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Post by humphrey on Oct 28, 2013 10:18:52 GMT -8
Coming empty is filling my head right now.
Last night I had an example of Almost empty. I was talking with my wife who has been weighing whether or not to go on a biz trip in two weeks, something she just found out about. It would be great professional development for her and give her a little more security in a work environment which so far has not been overtly encouraging to her career aspirations. It would be an interesting trip too, in an exotic locale about a very interesting, inspiring subject. On the other hand, she doesn't want to be away from home because we have a perfect storm of stuff happening -- normal everyday mayhem with a young family, her mother is moving in, new construction is starting on our garage/breezeway to make a an apartment for her Mom.... I told her that there probably won't be really a better time to go -- marginally maybe. The message I was trying to convey was "don't worry about the home front I've got it taken care of."
Well this totally insulted her! She felt completely dismissed. Frustration and rage ensued, yours truly being the target of an intense amount of emotion.
I say 'almost' before 'empty' because, after lengthy discussion, I could see that what she needed was validation of her feelings of trepidation. What I did, being a little full of it, was to immediately jump over that and to a place of reassuring her that leaving would be okay. Instead of listening to her right then and there, I minimized what she was feeling worried about. This is probably a really common dynamic between couples.
I include empty though, because the intensity of emotion and feeling that was triggered was so easy to notice. I could just face her and raise a hand to hold a place to talk. It was relatively easy to calm the storm down because I could see the misunderstanding very clearly -- my intention to let her know that she has my full support was lost because I wasn't fully present to her feelings. I felt confident the whole time but it was kind of sad to see how much pain resulted, even if temporarily.
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Post by Reefs on Oct 28, 2013 17:06:15 GMT -8
Coming empty is filling my head right now. Last night I had an example of Almost empty. I was talking with my wife who has been weighing whether or not to go on a biz trip in two weeks, something she just found out about. It would be great professional development for her and give her a little more security in a work environment which so far has not been overtly encouraging to her career aspirations. It would be an interesting trip too, in an exotic locale about a very interesting, inspiring subject. On the other hand, she doesn't want to be away from home because we have a perfect storm of stuff happening -- normal everyday mayhem with a young family, her mother is moving in, new construction is starting on our garage/breezeway to make a an apartment for her Mom.... I told her that there probably won't be really a better time to go -- marginally maybe. The message I was trying to convey was "don't worry about the home front I've got it taken care of." Well this totally insulted her! She felt completely dismissed. Frustration and rage ensued, yours truly being the target of an intense amount of emotion. I say 'almost' before 'empty' because, after lengthy discussion, I could see that what she needed was validation of her feelings of trepidation. What I did, being a little full of it, was to immediately jump over that and to a place of reassuring her that leaving would be okay. Instead of listening to her right then and there, I minimized what she was feeling worried about. This is probably a really common dynamic between couples. I include empty though, because the intensity of emotion and feeling that was triggered was so easy to notice. I could just face her and raise a hand to hold a place to talk. It was relatively easy to calm the storm down because I could see the misunderstanding very clearly -- my intention to let her know that she has my full support was lost because I wasn't fully present to her feelings. I felt confident the whole time but it was kind of sad to see how much pain resulted, even if temporarily. Seems like a perfect storm in your head (could/should/would).  You can't stand on your head in enough different ways to please a needy person. The A-H advice to marriage is: make lists of positive aspect of your significant other every day and live happily ever after (personal doing approach). Which basically means to see her as the magnificent being she actually is (impersonal non-doing approach). |
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Post by Portto on Oct 29, 2013 3:35:39 GMT -8
Nice observations, Humphrey!
I found very simple yes/no answers to work best in situations like this, though they may not help much when there's a storm brewing (when the intention is to experience a low/negativity).
As a comedian once said: "When your wife asks you if an outfit makes her look fat, the only thing you can do is hang onto the couch until the storm dies out."
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Post by humphrey on Oct 29, 2013 4:04:01 GMT -8
Coming empty is filling my head right now. Last night I had an example of Almost empty. I was talking with my wife who has been weighing whether or not to go on a biz trip in two weeks, something she just found out about. It would be great professional development for her and give her a little more security in a work environment which so far has not been overtly encouraging to her career aspirations. It would be an interesting trip too, in an exotic locale about a very interesting, inspiring subject. On the other hand, she doesn't want to be away from home because we have a perfect storm of stuff happening -- normal everyday mayhem with a young family, her mother is moving in, new construction is starting on our garage/breezeway to make a an apartment for her Mom.... I told her that there probably won't be really a better time to go -- marginally maybe. The message I was trying to convey was "don't worry about the home front I've got it taken care of." Well this totally insulted her! She felt completely dismissed. Frustration and rage ensued, yours truly being the target of an intense amount of emotion. I say 'almost' before 'empty' because, after lengthy discussion, I could see that what she needed was validation of her feelings of trepidation. What I did, being a little full of it, was to immediately jump over that and to a place of reassuring her that leaving would be okay. Instead of listening to her right then and there, I minimized what she was feeling worried about. This is probably a really common dynamic between couples. I include empty though, because the intensity of emotion and feeling that was triggered was so easy to notice. I could just face her and raise a hand to hold a place to talk. It was relatively easy to calm the storm down because I could see the misunderstanding very clearly -- my intention to let her know that she has my full support was lost because I wasn't fully present to her feelings. I felt confident the whole time but it was kind of sad to see how much pain resulted, even if temporarily. Seems like a perfect storm in your head (could/should/would). You can't stand on your head in enough different ways to please a needy person. The A-H advice to marriage is: make lists of positive aspect of your significant other every day and live happily ever after (personal doing approach). Which basically means to see her as the magnificent being she actually is (impersonal non-doing approach). That's very sound advice, thanks! |
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Post by humphrey on Oct 29, 2013 4:05:38 GMT -8
Nice observations, Humphrey! I found very simple yes/no answers to work best in situations like this, though they may not help much when there's a storm brewing (when the intention is to experience a low/negativity). As a comedian once said: "When your wife asks you if an outfit makes her look fat, the only thing you can do is hang onto the couch until the storm dies out." I know that feeling exactly. Whatever could be said is wrong, including not saying anything. |
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Post by Reefs on Oct 29, 2013 18:03:19 GMT -8
Nice observations, Humphrey! I found very simple yes/no answers to work best in situations like this, though they may not help much when there's a storm brewing (when the intention is to experience a low/negativity). As a comedian once said: "When your wife asks you if an outfit makes her look fat, the only thing you can do is hang onto the couch until the storm dies out." There's some truth to that quote. When things/events are about about to manifest it's usually too late. Just have to sit it out. Folks usually try to deal with manifestations only so they have to work against a lot of momentum and it never really works out and leaves them tired. The trick is to deal with it at the pre-manifestational stage, which means taking a step back and look at what emotions and patterns of thought were playing out before the event. Or even taken one more step back and look at the belief system that has caused these emotions and patterns of thoughts. Or even better still, step back even more and look at the point of view those beliefs represent. The further one steps back and does some tweaking from there the bigger the difference in what is going to manifest will be. |
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Post by Reefs on Oct 29, 2013 18:07:20 GMT -8
Nice observations, Humphrey! I found very simple yes/no answers to work best in situations like this, though they may not help much when there's a storm brewing (when the intention is to experience a low/negativity). As a comedian once said: "When your wife asks you if an outfit makes her look fat, the only thing you can do is hang onto the couch until the storm dies out." I know that feeling exactly. Whatever could be said is wrong, including not saying anything. Because it's not about what you do or say at all. It's about her own insecurities/confusions. And seeing you not having much clarity to contribute could just be ticking her off even more. If you are confused yourself (which I think you are on that matter) you are of no help to another confused one, you are just amplifying her misery. |
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burt
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Post by burt on Oct 30, 2013 13:13:01 GMT -8
Coming empty is filling my head right now.
Last night I had an example of Almost empty. I was talking with my wife who has been weighing whether or not to go on a biz trip in two weeks, something she just found out about. It would be great professional development for her and give her a little more security in a work environment which so far has not been overtly encouraging to her career aspirations. It would be an interesting trip too, in an exotic locale about a very interesting, inspiring subject. On the other hand, she doesn't want to be away from home because we have a perfect storm of stuff happening -- normal everyday mayhem with a young family, her mother is moving in, new construction is starting on our garage/breezeway to make a an apartment for her Mom.... I told her that there probably won't be really a better time to go -- marginally maybe. The message I was trying to convey was "don't worry about the home front I've got it taken care of."
Well this totally insulted her! She felt completely dismissed. Frustration and rage ensued, yours truly being the target of an intense amount of emotion.
I say 'almost' before 'empty' because, after lengthy discussion, I could see that what she needed was validation of her feelings of trepidation. What I did, being a little full of it, was to immediately jump over that and to a place of reassuring her that leaving would be okay. Instead of listening to her right then and there, I minimized what she was feeling worried about. This is probably a really common dynamic between couples.
I include empty though, because the intensity of emotion and feeling that was triggered was so easy to notice. I could just face her and raise a hand to hold a place to talk. It was relatively easy to calm the storm down because I could see the misunderstanding very clearly -- my intention to let her know that she has my full support was lost because I wasn't fully present to her feelings. I felt confident the whole time but it was kind of sad to see how much pain resulted, even if temporarily. |
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Post by Portto on Oct 31, 2013 3:23:47 GMT -8
Nice observations, Humphrey! I found very simple yes/no answers to work best in situations like this, though they may not help much when there's a storm brewing (when the intention is to experience a low/negativity). As a comedian once said: "When your wife asks you if an outfit makes her look fat, the only thing you can do is hang onto the couch until the storm dies out." There's some truth to that quote. When things/events are about about to manifest it's usually too late. Just have to sit it out. Folks usually try to deal with manifestations only so they have to work against a lot of momentum and it never really works out and leaves them tired. The trick is to deal with it at the pre-manifestational stage, which means taking a step back and look at what emotions and patterns of thought were playing out before the event. Or even taken one more step back and look at the belief system that has caused these emotions and patterns of thoughts. Or even better still, step back even more and look at the point of view those beliefs represent. The further one steps back and does some tweaking from there the bigger the difference in what is going to manifest will be. That's pretty cool. Are you basically saying that we can predict the future? |
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Post by Portto on Oct 31, 2013 3:25:29 GMT -8
Coming empty is filling my head right now.
Last night I had an example of Almost empty. I was talking with my wife who has been weighing whether or not to go on a biz trip in two weeks, something she just found out about. It would be great professional development for her and give her a little more security in a work environment which so far has not been overtly encouraging to her career aspirations. It would be an interesting trip too, in an exotic locale about a very interesting, inspiring subject. On the other hand, she doesn't want to be away from home because we have a perfect storm of stuff happening -- normal everyday mayhem with a young family, her mother is moving in, new construction is starting on our garage/breezeway to make a an apartment for her Mom.... I told her that there probably won't be really a better time to go -- marginally maybe. The message I was trying to convey was "don't worry about the home front I've got it taken care of."
Well this totally insulted her! She felt completely dismissed. Frustration and rage ensued, yours truly being the target of an intense amount of emotion.
I say 'almost' before 'empty' because, after lengthy discussion, I could see that what she needed was validation of her feelings of trepidation. What I did, being a little full of it, was to immediately jump over that and to a place of reassuring her that leaving would be okay. Instead of listening to her right then and there, I minimized what she was feeling worried about. This is probably a really common dynamic between couples.
I include empty though, because the intensity of emotion and feeling that was triggered was so easy to notice. I could just face her and raise a hand to hold a place to talk. It was relatively easy to calm the storm down because I could see the misunderstanding very clearly -- my intention to let her know that she has my full support was lost because I wasn't fully present to her feelings. I felt confident the whole time but it was kind of sad to see how much pain resulted, even if temporarily. You've got lots of courage, man! Nobody dared touch that phrase, while you take a swing right at it and blow it out of proportion! |
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Post by humphrey on Oct 31, 2013 6:44:30 GMT -8
I know that feeling exactly. Whatever could be said is wrong, including not saying anything. Because it's not about what you do or say at all. It's about her own insecurities/confusions. And seeing you not having much clarity to contribute could just be ticking her off even more. If you are confused yourself (which I think you are on that matter) you are of no help to another confused one, you are just amplifying her misery. Far be it for me to deny confusion, but if you see some confusion there, please share. |
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Post by humphrey on Oct 31, 2013 6:46:42 GMT -8
Coming empty is filling my head right now.
Last night I had an example of Almost empty. I was talking with my wife who has been weighing whether or not to go on a biz trip in two weeks, something she just found out about. It would be great professional development for her and give her a little more security in a work environment which so far has not been overtly encouraging to her career aspirations. It would be an interesting trip too, in an exotic locale about a very interesting, inspiring subject. On the other hand, she doesn't want to be away from home because we have a perfect storm of stuff happening -- normal everyday mayhem with a young family, her mother is moving in, new construction is starting on our garage/breezeway to make a an apartment for her Mom.... I told her that there probably won't be really a better time to go -- marginally maybe. The message I was trying to convey was "don't worry about the home front I've got it taken care of."
Well this totally insulted her! She felt completely dismissed. Frustration and rage ensued, yours truly being the target of an intense amount of emotion.
I say 'almost' before 'empty' because, after lengthy discussion, I could see that what she needed was validation of her feelings of trepidation. What I did, being a little full of it, was to immediately jump over that and to a place of reassuring her that leaving would be okay. Instead of listening to her right then and there, I minimized what she was feeling worried about. This is probably a really common dynamic between couples.
I include empty though, because the intensity of emotion and feeling that was triggered was so easy to notice. I could just face her and raise a hand to hold a place to talk. It was relatively easy to calm the storm down because I could see the misunderstanding very clearly -- my intention to let her know that she has my full support was lost because I wasn't fully present to her feelings. I felt confident the whole time but it was kind of sad to see how much pain resulted, even if temporarily. hahaha -- yes. That is a meaty theme. |
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Post by Reefs on Nov 3, 2013 6:39:56 GMT -8
There's some truth to that quote. When things/events are about about to manifest it's usually too late. Just have to sit it out. Folks usually try to deal with manifestations only so they have to work against a lot of momentum and it never really works out and leaves them tired. The trick is to deal with it at the pre-manifestational stage, which means taking a step back and look at what emotions and patterns of thought were playing out before the event. Or even taken one more step back and look at the belief system that has caused these emotions and patterns of thoughts. Or even better still, step back even more and look at the point of view those beliefs represent. The further one steps back and does some tweaking from there the bigger the difference in what is going to manifest will be. That's pretty cool. Are you basically saying that we can predict the future? Not the details of the experience, only the essence of the experience. |
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Post by Reefs on Nov 3, 2013 7:13:10 GMT -8
Because it's not about what you do or say at all. It's about her own insecurities/confusions. And seeing you not having much clarity to contribute could just be ticking her off even more. If you are confused yourself (which I think you are on that matter) you are of no help to another confused one, you are just amplifying her misery. Far be it for me to deny confusion, but if you see some confusion there, please share. The way you told the story, it sounded like wrong place wrong time to me. Your timing seemed a little off or else she would have got the message right away. Every time your timing is off a little, this means your awareness is off a little, too. So that somehow what you are trying to convey and what you are actually conveying is not a match. You can say soothing and encouraging words but if the vibe behind the words says something different, then that's what determines the outcome. That's why for many affirmations and positive thinking doesn't work. It's really not about listening and finding the right words and such. You have to take a step further back. Back to how you see the other, back to the belief/point of view level that determines your decisions and actions. Just for the sake of dramatic effect and clarification: Do you see the other as broken and in need of fixing or as the magnificent being that she actually is? If you tweak it from there, you don't have to worry about the right actions/decisions anymore. That's why making this list of positive aspects can be very effective. |
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Post by Reefs on Nov 3, 2013 7:20:49 GMT -8
hahaha -- yes. That is a meaty theme. Really? Do yo see some kind of relation to that and the recent storm and the ski pole story back then? Are these events the same or different on a feeling level? |
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