Post by humphrey on Mar 4, 2013 10:20:57 GMT -8
I just read www.realizinghappiness.com/happy-relationships-love-and-happiness.html
It hit the spot today. This could go in the Expectation thread too. But the concept of Love vs Conditional Love was percolating, so I decided to start something new.
I liked this "What destroys love and happiness in a relationship is the need to love and be loved. " I'm definitely guilty of that sort of destruction. And the 'coming empty' thing makes sense. I think my partner is dealing with her own destructive tendencies in the same vein, but I'll try to stay focused on my own.
So I do have needs that reflect this little list: "love means 'not angry', 'not hateful', 'not vengeful', 'not cruel', or conversely, kind, generous, helpful, considerate, appreciative, etc." It's sort of embarrassing.
Wifeypoo unloaded again last night. I managed not to make things worse (hurrah for small victories!) -- at least that's the current assessment. Usually my needs would have fueled some sort of defensive reaction which would have reloaded my partner's guns again, thus necessitating more unloading.
I've been doing a lot of single parenting recently, as Mama has been away on biz or sick. Generally, things have been going swell -- lots of excellent loving playful fun connection with the kids, all the while keeping the dense routine in full plate-spinning mode. Yesterday I cooked and cleaned all three meals, played Monopoly while doing laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, did the next week fo shopping cleaned out the abyssmal cat litter box, shepharding fun Piano lesson, etc.
Alas something had to give, one of the plates crashed. The kids' room got out of control over the last few days -- this includes them fetching various items from the basement and making a horse stable in their room, using catfood for the horse feed. Heh! Basically, I let this activity slide because while they were playing well together I could get some other stuff done. Playing well together can be a precious commodity.
Well, Mama hates clutter and disorganization and those are more of her domain. And I didn't prioritize it.
She has a way of externalizing her frustration and misery. As I've related in the past, sometimes I'm the object of choice, sometimes it's the kids, sometimes other loved ones.
Last night it was mostly me.
It is a real painful drag to see her so miserable and frustrated. She's recovering from some sort of virus, and so this sort of emotional distress doesn't help the process. Though it's good to see she has energy again (no joke).
So I get the distinction between conditions and needs and no conditions/needs. I feigned 'coming empty' last night but it was a hard charade. The fact is that I knew if I said anything even slightly counter to her main story (that I poorly supervised the kids and did not prioritize something that we had agreed should be a priority) it would spiral into an even bigger emotional waste of time and energy.
So here I am bending y'all's virtual ears with my sob story.
There are those sorts of needs that are directly referred to with the good advice of 'coming empty,' listed above. But then there seem to be other practical needs. For example, the need to have decluttered rooms. This is something that aids the sanity (consensual, albeit) of my partner and it is something that can be done (might mean a different plate crashes -- for example the kitchen). In other words, in partnership, 'coming empty' maybe be best when talking about Love, but not necessarily for the practical stuff. Get my drift?
It hit the spot today. This could go in the Expectation thread too. But the concept of Love vs Conditional Love was percolating, so I decided to start something new.
I liked this "What destroys love and happiness in a relationship is the need to love and be loved. " I'm definitely guilty of that sort of destruction. And the 'coming empty' thing makes sense. I think my partner is dealing with her own destructive tendencies in the same vein, but I'll try to stay focused on my own.
So I do have needs that reflect this little list: "love means 'not angry', 'not hateful', 'not vengeful', 'not cruel', or conversely, kind, generous, helpful, considerate, appreciative, etc." It's sort of embarrassing.
Wifeypoo unloaded again last night. I managed not to make things worse (hurrah for small victories!) -- at least that's the current assessment. Usually my needs would have fueled some sort of defensive reaction which would have reloaded my partner's guns again, thus necessitating more unloading.
I've been doing a lot of single parenting recently, as Mama has been away on biz or sick. Generally, things have been going swell -- lots of excellent loving playful fun connection with the kids, all the while keeping the dense routine in full plate-spinning mode. Yesterday I cooked and cleaned all three meals, played Monopoly while doing laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, did the next week fo shopping cleaned out the abyssmal cat litter box, shepharding fun Piano lesson, etc.
Alas something had to give, one of the plates crashed. The kids' room got out of control over the last few days -- this includes them fetching various items from the basement and making a horse stable in their room, using catfood for the horse feed. Heh! Basically, I let this activity slide because while they were playing well together I could get some other stuff done. Playing well together can be a precious commodity.
Well, Mama hates clutter and disorganization and those are more of her domain. And I didn't prioritize it.
She has a way of externalizing her frustration and misery. As I've related in the past, sometimes I'm the object of choice, sometimes it's the kids, sometimes other loved ones.
Last night it was mostly me. It is a real painful drag to see her so miserable and frustrated. She's recovering from some sort of virus, and so this sort of emotional distress doesn't help the process. Though it's good to see she has energy again (no joke).
So I get the distinction between conditions and needs and no conditions/needs. I feigned 'coming empty' last night but it was a hard charade. The fact is that I knew if I said anything even slightly counter to her main story (that I poorly supervised the kids and did not prioritize something that we had agreed should be a priority) it would spiral into an even bigger emotional waste of time and energy.
So here I am bending y'all's virtual ears with my sob story.
There are those sorts of needs that are directly referred to with the good advice of 'coming empty,' listed above. But then there seem to be other practical needs. For example, the need to have decluttered rooms. This is something that aids the sanity (consensual, albeit) of my partner and it is something that can be done (might mean a different plate crashes -- for example the kitchen). In other words, in partnership, 'coming empty' maybe be best when talking about Love, but not necessarily for the practical stuff. Get my drift?
